Trends I’m noticing in education calls
as a birth mom & educator
One of my daily jobs is consultation calls with hopeful/adoptive families and answering their questions from my birth mom perspective, sharing my story, profile advice, and answering their questions. After 6+ years professionally (21 years personally!) and hundreds (likely close to 1,000) of interactions with those preparing to or have adopted, I’ve realized there are some general patterns and commonalities. I adore connecting with each of these types of families; it’s an honor to walk alongside them and gently challenge in hopes for a healthier connection with their child(ren) and any birth family involved.
Let’s talk about it:
First time parents tend to have more of closed mindset and fears to work through.
Adoption and parenting is new and still hypothetical. Couple that with families often still processing grief from infertility and/or loss, the fears and wanting to control things in a bubble to feel more comfortable or “safe” is common and understandable. Still, it’s important to process those feelings lingering in your heart to become child-focused. What is the child’s best interest? What is in the birth family’s best interest? Adoption is more than growing your family, it impacts many.
Previous parents, whether through adoption or biological, tend to have a more tender heart towards birth parents and valuing adoption relationships.
Walking through parenting brings a new perspective. If they have biological children, I see it’s easier to have greater empathy for what an expecting mom is going through making this difficult decision physically and emotionally. They can easier put themselves in another’s shoes. If they’ve adopted previously, as my daughter’s adoptive parents had, their experiences often tenderize and shape their hearts because they’ve witnessed the impact of adoption. Often they want to love even greater, either because of the great connection they have with their child’s birth mom or because of the lack of and want to build something different now that they have more information.
People with jobs who work in tough cases such as EMS, doctors, social workers, fire department, police tend to have more concerns with openness.
I get it, these families have seen some of the worst incidents and responded to help. Being in these places has an impact and I can understand this concern. There certainly are cases where adoption relationships need higher boundaries or possibly no contact-- but is that often or always the case? No. Many birth parents just want to witness their child growing and for the door to be open to answer their child’s questions and share their love. Remember not to let fear of the “what if” limit the possibility of what can be! It’s okay to take it slow and build trust.
Contrastingly, those with professions such as nurses, therapists, and teachers tend to easier empathize with birth family and desire more openness.
It’s so interesting how our professions can adjust our perspectives! I find families who have professions with deeply personal connections and trying to care for and build a better world (not to say police, EMS, etc. aren’t doing that too, but the interactions are often different). Therapists who have gone to school, learned about trauma, and help others through those difficulties often have a greater compassion for expecting/birth families and how to support an adoptee. I see this with teachers and nurses as well, their heart is often softer, seeing more of the nuances of adoption and wanting to make a greater impact on not just a child but caring for birth family too.
Those who have only seen foster care adoptions often have more walls up as well.
While foster care and domestic adoptions have some overlapping traits at times, they are also different. Sometimes when a family has only seen the hard foster care situations, where neglect and abuse have taken place, it can create a negative bias against all biological/birth families. This is often an inaccurate view of birth moms in domestic adoption. Can some be similar? Of course. But, again, generally birth parents just want to remain in contact to witness their child growing and share their love. Visits look different. Updates look different. “Safety” often looks different. It’s important to keep an open mind case by case. The birth moms I sit with at retreats aren’t a “threat” or “harm” but another source of love and identity for the child everyone loves at the center.
Similarly, those who have witnessed adoption difficulties by friends and family often have greater fears as well.
Again, understandably. There are some complex realities (and varying personalities) within adoption and often what we witness, whether positive or negative, can either become fears or become something we want to model (more on that next !). I believe in learning from others’ stories and perspectives from all sides of the adoption constellation- learn what not to do, what didn’t work well, what to be aware of, and what has worked well for others. Learn from experiences but don’t get stuck in the fears. Remember, every situation is so different!
The ones who do the education and work to understand adoptee and birth parent experiences have a softer heart to all who are impacted by adoption.
As a birth mom in this field professionally, I am so encouraged to connect with many families doing the work-- even if they have some fears, concerns, or have seen some hard things. They are working through them. They are asking hard questions. They are hungry for information and how to love well, parent an adoptee better, and honor all sides. I’m seeing a willingness to be challenged and let their hearts be tenderized for this lifelong journey. They are preparing to be an emotionally safe place for their child, to show care to their birth family however possible, and surrendering to that uncomfortable process of growth.
Slowly, change is happening. I’m honored to be a small part of that ripple effect.
RESOURCES
Do you have questions and want some one-on-one time? Book a call with me!
Read my memoir, The Sixteenth Year, for a deeper insight into my birth parent experience and how my daughter’s adoptive parents loved me well through the years.
Take the Openness in Adoption course. 3 hours of incredible content for only $25! It covers the why behind having an open heart, no matter the type contact, is beneficial, busts some myths, and get tips on how to have an open adoption through a range of experiences or concerns.
Want to gather a group to learn more about open adoption or birth mother experiences? Book me to speak! I do virtual and in-person trainings for adoptive parents, adoption professionals, birth parents, and retreats.